The period of waiting for this period to be over is still not over. We wait, we wonder, we maybe even hope that eventually things will click into place.
A job that doesn’t suck the life out of my husband. That’s a big one. The biggest one right now.
And, yep, I still catch myself online, hunting for apartments that could Solve Problems. Maybe in X apartment, the sun will shine on me and clear the cobwebs and we will all sleep soundly through the night. If we could pay only $500 more per month (only! ha!) we could have a washer and dryer and all my dreams would come true. And a bedroom for B. I could decorate it! But it would never be enough. It will never be enough.
I know how people live around me. I know they wear eighty dollar sweatpants and Theory sweaters. I know they hire decorators and have sunlight and bedrooms and laundry facilities. I know they have jobs like “content manager for E! Entertainment” (yes, I’ve done the Facebook stalking). And sometimes my heart sinks that I didn’t pursue a career like that. Maybe I could then have what they have. Maybe the pressure would be off my husband and he could go back to school.
It always seems out of reach, this achievement and the peace it seems to bring. The order, the ease of life. I had a dream of finger-shaped negative space on a dusty mahogany dresser top. I was reaching and reaching, but it kept slipping away from my fingers. I tried so hard, but it always moved further away.
Strange imagery, but it stayed with me. There may be things in life I always want. They aren’t bad things. But maybe I don’t get them.
Do you know what I do get? I was thinking about this when the dusty fingerprints stayed in my brain. I get to be lucky in love. I live with the two sweetest people on earth. I would lay down in front of a train if it was me or one of them. That is no virtue of mine, they are just that good. I’m loved probably more than I understand and I’m loved by a two-year old that doesn’t even have a name for love yet. We joke that the best, sweetest, richest part of our lives is when we are all three in our full bed reading kid’s books and pretending to be puppies.
I may always feel, or even be, “not quite”. But I will never not love or be loved. And what a good lot in life that is.