I literally can’t even

I spent the wee (I’m talking WEE) hours of the morning being jealous of celebrities who have live-in nannies to take care of their babies that cry at 5am. 

I was feeling sorry for myself that Bera was in our room, cramping our style. (Hint: our style is sleeping later than 4:50am).

 But, really, I’m the lucky one. Because, and I don’t know this, but I bet Giselle’s husband doesn’t get up and take the baby to the playground and tell her “Get some more sleep”. (The best words in the world.) 

 Maybe He is doing something beautiful in these frustrating days. Maybe these are the sweetest times- with all three of us in one tiny Brooklyn bedroom. Maybe when she is in college I’ll long for just one of these nights and early mornings. Yes they are sleepy, but she is near me.

  She is, of course, worth it. I just thought it would be easier by now. How do teen-agers have babies?? Baffling. This would have been too much for me. It IS too much for me. 

 So it’s good I have Him to supply all my needs according to His riches and glory. I hardly believe it most days. Or it’s not something I need to think about. Yesterday I needed it. And maybe today too.  And probably tomorrow.

Yesterday I felt like a wet cloth being wrung dry. Usually I have enough water, enough patience. Yesterday I came to the end of myself and had to ask Him for more.  She wouldn’t nap, she cried everytime I tried to give her food. I had to set her down to put the milk in the fridge and she wailed. (I believe that was the point I screamed “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!) Mumbling to myself while walking to the drop-in Doctor, heart full of anxiety , bladder full of infection, “He cares about me, He cares about me.”

How good to have a life that I need to remember that.

From early morning playtime with her dad. These bear statues are her favorite thing ever.

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