If I will lose my life

 I have always wanted to care for orphans. It’s maybe the one thing in my life I know I have to do.

Having a baby here in this house, in my life, has made me more aware than ever how helpless these little creatures are.

You would think having a ten month old would put these desires on the back burner, but instead, they are brought to the front of my thoughts with every need that Bera has.

Sometimes I think “What if Bera had to take care of herself?” This is kind of ridiculous, I realize, but she wouldn’t even be able to walk! Or get food! Or get out of her own poo! Babies need to be cared for. And to think that so many have no one makes me so sick and so sad that I just want to break apart.

I know, in my heart, when Jesus said to care for the “least of these” in this world, he was thinking of babies. Orphans, elderly, helpless, homeless. MY HEART HAS ROOM FOR YOU. I want to spend my life for you, I do. In my best moments I do. 
Do I want it enough to trade in vacations and money and clothes and prosecco at nice restaurants? I hope so. Dear God, I hope so.
Do I want it enough to give up “me” time and Project Runway and writing and soaking in a bathtub?
Do I want it enough to surrender plans for a decorated home, date nights, an orderly life, lots of sleep and maintaining my weight?

I don’t know. These questions are really hard. In a fleeting fit of emotion, it’s easy to say, “YES! It’s worth it! I want it!”

But day after day I worry about burning out, jealousy, tiring, snapping. Because I know myself. I am not enough to love this way. I have empathy but I am not good at surrender. I don’t doubt that it’s worth it, I just wonder at my ability to lose my life.

One Reply to “If I will lose my life”

  1. Wonderful.

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