A peaceful heart gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Pr 14.30
There have been so many times when I’ve been in a room full of people and I’ve taken score, and come in dead last. The point system is completely arbitrary, but it feels so real.
It’s a demolishing feeling; it’s a selfish feeling.
(And then begins the downward spiral of hating yourself even more for being selfish.)
The worst is being envious of another receiving encouragement (can almost feel my bones rotting). I want to be the one either dishing it out or getting it; I want to matter and not just be the idiot watching. This is what stings maaaayyybe the most.
Because this is my team. My body.
I sometimes wonder if God sees us as that; one body. Not little limbs and torsos sitting around the table, competing at who can be the most spiritual. He doesn’t see me- the pinky toe- as useless and boring. Maybe he sees me in conjunction with those beautiful pumping arms and strong cores.
After Bera wakes up from her nap, we’ve started this thing where I hold her in front of the mirror and her face lights up to see her reflection.She’s too little to do it out of vanity,so it is the sweetest thing to me. The last time we did this, it struck me that maybe My Father would enjoy to see me have the same reaction.
Not because I’m pretty or talented or gifted or at peace with myself. But because I am loved and complete and He has made me and created me to function in a body.
I guess because it’s my (small) world right now, but I am always learning from this baby. This baby who can delight at her miraculous and wondrous reflection not because she’s puffed up and even though her accomplishments can be summed up with “ate today, then spit it back out. Oh yeah, and pooped my pants.”
So the next time you feel the awful sensation of being the most regular person at a party, go home and smile in the mirror. You are a wonder, and we need you.