I get four increments of 45 minutes a day when Bera is napping. (11 minutes remaining). Now that I’ve gotten past lamenting that she isn’t one of those babies that sleeps for two hours, I’m learning to plot and plan what to do with those precious 45 minutes.
Yesterday I was nailing it (until we reached nap #3 and I sat in front of The Biggest Loser, bawling and drinking hot chocolate). And, I’ll be honest, it felt really good. Prayer during nap 1, laundry while baby entertains herself (if needed I can fold laundry at lightening speed), edit my still-not-finished manuscript during nap #2, followed by a walk in the freezing cold, which both Bera and myself cried all the way through.
I was thinking to myself about time and productivity. I have been unlearning that productivity= Number One Point Of Life for awhile now. (Aaa and…..she’s up! I swear you can set clocks by this girl!)
I was feeling so good about myself and it made me wonder how do I keep this feeling even when it all falls apart and I don’t have a plan or a list and my biggest accomplishment is stringing the drawstring that came out it the wash back through my sweatpants (real talk).
Obviously it feels better to nail it, I’m thankful for the good feelings that come as a reward for doing things like praying, exercising, cleaning, etc. But I’d rather not kind of hate myself when I don’t do those things. Rather than “Oh well! Tomorrow!” It’s “I suck, I suck, I suck.” That’s no good. That’s too fragile; depends to much on ME and I can’t live like that.
There’s no peace that way.
There needs to be moments when, yes, the bathroom should be swept, but the baby is laughing and I need to see this and lock it in my memory so well that when I am an 80 year old woman I can still see it.
On those days that I sleep in and my husband has the baby and the coffee is cold by the time I stumble out and instead of pray, I scroll Instagram, I don’t want to hate myself. I don’t want to attach who I am to what I do.
I want to remember that He has, by one sacrifice, perfected me for all time, while I’m being sanctified.
That He came to give me abundant life, not to make me a productive Mommy.
I have to believe, and know, that He loved me the same during those 45 minutes of The Biggest Loser as He did the 45 minutes praying.
“Our culture doesn’t have a good way to measure what you are accomplishing. Your baby will grow and meet milestones: check. But to the untrained eye, most of this work, at the end of the day, will look like nothing.
There is no greater task than the nothing you did yesterday, the nothing you are doing today and the nothing you will do tomorrow.”- Anne Rust